Unilever's Axe has done a great job positioning itself as the personal care brand for young horndogs. Whether or not they actually are is irrelevant because they picked a theme and stuck with it and now they're inseparable in everyone's mind. That's what every brand hopes for. Proctor & Gamble's Old Spice knew they couldn't get in on that sweet Axe action because they literally have the word old in their name so they went in the opposite direction and played an old-timey masculine charm angle. Both brands worked because they pushed their respective ideologies to a place where they're basically mocking themselves. These kinds of campaigns are a dime a dozen but whatever: they're effective, they don't take themselves seriously, they're generally cheap to roll out and most importantly, they don't make the consumer feel like a loser. That's key.

So it's kind of fantastic that Dial, under new parent Henkel KGaA, managed to bite both Axe and Old Spice and still screw up marketing to young men, which is basically the easiest thing ever.

Get it? Cuz you haven't been laid in a while, nerd! Dial Magnetic is a new body wash that uses science to conquer women because you got no game. You understand science, right, nerd? Magnetic is infused with pheromones so it's "attraction enhancing," and if that wasn't a scary enough idea, they put a swirling red atom on the label for extra science lab feel. Chemicals, bitch.

But Dial isn't just targeting losers; they're targeting men and if a dude isn't a total anti-sosh, he's probably a borderline dape rapist.

Good thing you scrubbed your balls tonight, Derrick. She was gonna say no!

Dial suddenly becoming creepy asshole bodywash is weird as it is, but to firmly establish themselves as the Varsity Douche Authority, Dial's satellite site getmagnetic.com lets you take an online personality test. They ask you hypotheticals, things about your looks, even career path shit. When you're finished, you receive a number score and nonsensical faux hand-written "advice." I took it twice: once with intentionally loser-y uncool answers and once as honest Patrick, soap-user. Let's see how both me's scored.

Loser Patrick:

22. That's a fail. My buddy Matt White says "Learn to play an instrument." Fuck you, Matt. Ever heard of Rock & Roll, you non-existent jock? Sandra Anne Taylor says "Learn how to listen and become a real friend. Be there for her and she'll be yours." Hm. Not bad advice, I guess!

Normal Patrick:

Yo, I'm in the bottom 55%?! And David Wygant says "You may not be able to work on your looks but you can certainly work on your money situation and personality." Holy shit, you're the worst fake person ever, David. Great, and Matt White is back telling me to join marching band. Back off, Matt, I was in marching band. What's going on? These fake people are terrible! The dumbest thing a company can possibly do is single out an individual consumer and personally tell them they're lame and Dial made a website specifically for that. 

Way to sell soap in the worst way possible, Dial. 

Update on Friday, August 14, 2009 at 11:24AM by Patrick

So as David Wygant pointed out, David Wygant is real! So is Matt White! And Sandra Anne Taylor! I take it back, y'all. You guys aren't fake or jocks. 

Dial, you're still a dick.