Art Direction, Motion Design & Illustration by Patrick Hosmer

Top Five Movies Featuring Stew

Added on by Patrick Hosmer.
Robin Hood doesn't even know how amazing his life is about to get!

Robin Hood doesn't even know how amazing his life is about to get!

One of the best indicators that a regular Joe is destined for greatness is the presence of a weird pot of brown mush. Stew sets the scene by being plain and ambition-less. Like people. Stew is basically cinematic shorthand for Wait For It.

Here's 5 movies that totally have stew in them: 

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Gollum: Not happy about the stew

Gollum: Not happy about the stew

Any time a Hobbit stops walking he immediately has to cook food. Fellowship had zero stew scenes so Towers made up for it with two full minutes of fuckin stew content. Long enough to earn that little black pot a SAG card finally.  

Rabbit stew with some Middle Earth greens, 86 the taters

Rabbit stew with some Middle Earth greens, 86 the taters

And when you gaze long into the stew, the stew also gazes into you

And when you gaze long into the stew, the stew also gazes into you

Check out Samwise not even noticing psychotic, schizoid Gollum burning a hole in him, practically vibrating with murderous rage. Look up from your soup, fatso! I can't blame him. That stew is probably so damn good.

 

The Empire Strikes Back

Empire gives us a stew treatment much more common in movies: bad stew. A ginger taste, a sour wince. Good job, Luke, you'll be a Jedi in no time. A Jedi of Acting Like You Don't Enjoy Yoda's Cute Lil Baby Stew.

 

Disney's Robin Hood

Winner: Most Shit-like Stew

Winner: Most Shit-like Stew

Srsly that is a spoonful of poop

Srsly that is a spoonful of poop

Make no mistake: Robin Hood and Little John are the true power couple in this movie and LJ is definitely the wifey. When Robin spaces out (thinkin about Maid Yoko no doubt!) and burns their bachelor breakfast, Little John quickly extinguishes that fire and salvages their sad, shitty stew. Just in time for a dude sesh with Friar Tuck.

So how sad 'n shitty was their stew? Peep the ingredients.

Pepper, water and a carrot. I've seen stew made with less! 

 

Gladiator

Have you noticed yet that stew is a real bro affair? 

Eroticism 101: Holding my stew, I gaze into your eyes while I taste your stew. And this other guy watches both of us, eating his own stew.

Eroticism 101: Holding my stew, I gaze into your eyes while I taste your stew. And this other guy watches both of us, eating his own stew.

This was a real tender moment hidden in between all the epic blood waterfalls and ethnic wailing. A man checking another man's stew for poison. Is there any higher level of trust or sacrifice? Or love?

That stew is straight Hormel style though. Lazy.

 

The Princess Bride

"With potatoes!" - Samwise Gamgee, sobbing

"With potatoes!" - Samwise Gamgee, sobbing

Ok this is the ultimate movie stew, guys. When I first saw The Princess Bride I immediately couldn't wait to grow up into an adult so I could eat stew like this whenever I wanted.

You'll recall this is what Andre "Fezzik" The Giant fed to Inigo "Homeland" Montoya who was very drunk. This was medieval drunk food. They goddamn nailed it. 

Inigo's face nailed it too.

 

Runner Up: Snow White & The Hunstman

This movie wasn't bad! The K-Stew was a little watery though.

Tombstone's Credits are Totally Asleep at the Wheel

Added on by Patrick Hosmer.
False!

False!

No dawg. Not Billy Zane. You're nodding off!

No dawg. Not Billy Zane. You're nodding off!

Wake up! There's a minivan coming right at us!

Wake up! There's a minivan coming right at us!

You haven't seen Tombstone in 15 years, I know. But remember the end? The four main guys - two of whom are super dead - are inexplicably just walking towards the camera. For like 7 minutes. Looking right at us! It's a pretty punk rock moment. Logic be damned. Slow and strange like The West itself. 

Take this 4th-wall-breaking moment and the fact that this movie featured about 100 of the biggest actors of the 90s and you have an unintentionally hilarious credit sequence.

A Little Room in the Sky

Added on by Patrick Hosmer.

Do you like small spaces?

Lavatory on an Embraer ERJ-145 Amazon. One of the few airplane bathrooms where the console faces the toilet. I am a big fan of that.

Lavatory on an Embraer ERJ-145 Amazon. One of the few airplane bathrooms where the console faces the toilet. I am a big fan of that.

Aside from the entirety of Japan, airplanes are some of the best examples of the 'everything in its place' philosophy. Every item is pared down to its simplest form. Interiors are literally engineered. No poetry. There is something beautiful in that, I think; airplanes are these giant aluminum kites and people fit into them with the same degree of technical consideration as soap and coffee and blankets. Maybe I like that because it seems honest or maybe I just like to be squeezed a little.

The galleys are beautiful and boxy, lined with metal cubbies and shelves, all held in place with little red and blue flanges. The lavs are similarly structured (albeit 100% more beige): baby cabinets and tiny ledges for single objects; a phone, a paperback novel, once upon a time, a pipe. There's little holes for your razor blades and your tissues. 

The iPod made me distrustful of music because it immediately overwhelmed with a wave of easy choices. Reality is actually overwhelming because I can discard my used tissue anywhere. An airplane bathroom cleaves my options back down to one. It achieves a singularity of purpose that is both old and true. It's the record-player of rooms.