Look, I don't know everything. I'm not looking to climb Mount Everest. I don't pretend I have a million friends. I'm a simple guy seeking life's simple pleasures. And I buy American.

It's like coffee. I don't want any of that fancy skim milk latte half-caf action... What am I, a business man?! Ha, no sir. Just give me a classic Dunkin' Donuts Dunkaccino® and I'm good, friend. The thing is, the Dunkaccino® is the perfect unique blend of coffee and hot chocolate favors to keep you satisfied all day. It's really the best.

Let me ask you something and be honest. How much do you pay for coffee? Two bucks? Thee bucks? Some folks are crazy enough to pay upwards of five bucks for a fancy coffee at that other place. Would you believe that you can get yourself a large Dunkaccino® for just $1.79? Believe it!

But for a limited time, if you print out the coupon below and present it to a Team Dunkin' member at any participating Dunkin' Donuts store, you can get a large classic Dunkin' Donuts Dunkaccino® for just $0.50 with the purchase of one of Dunkin's signature Oven-Toasted Flatbread Sandwiches®.

Now that's a perfect pairing! Just consider it a little something special from Mister & DD to you. 

Movie Poster Fact: a person featured on a movie poster must be shown in his or her coolest possible state. If the person isn't looking the part or is simply uncool, then that person needs sunglasses Photoshopped onto their face because sunglasses are automatic coolness uppers.

Babies are total losers and they have no self-control. Half the time they can't even talk. Needless to say that's so uncool. But with a little Adobe magic, presto. Instant party animals. Table for six please and I hope you're insured!

It doesn't matter if the character never actually wears sunglasses in the movie. What matters is a good first impression. See, I feel like I could take the little brother down. Ditto for mom and dad and creepy Alan Cumming, but I just can't mess with the cool older sister. And I sure as shit don't want her spying on me.

Look at William H. He's like, "Fuck the shades, Photoshop me a Dark 'n Stormy. I'm kewl as dick, so do yourself a favor and just experience on these Converse for a minute." Meg Ryan on the other hand, is like, "Sunglasses, now. On my face. Make the cool happen, I float on sand, I don't know what's going on with me." Shit. Will Macy is a goddamn pair of sunglasses.

I don't know what's more 'shopped: Ashton's sunglasses or the smogless LA skyline. J/K, it's Ashton's sunglasses by 100 miles. They make him look so cool, now the water looks like a retard.

Remember Shia back in his Holes days? Remember Amy Smart always? They need identical sunglasses, stat.

Ctrl + V, Ctrl + V.

Apply Drop Shadow, Apply Drop Shadow.

...

Ctrl + Z, Ctrl + Z.

Ctrl + Army Helmet.

Forget what the top of this says. I'll tell you what the real plot is. Mark-Paul Gosselaar wakes up as a dog and after several attempts to hide from his mom and dad, he is forced to go to school. He wears sunglasses so no one will know he's a dog. It works! He becomes the coolest kid (dog) in the high school and he even gets voted to be Prom King but he blows his own cover in front of everyone when the head cheerleader tries to make out with him and he gives a heart-melting speech about just being yourself. It's a real show-stopper and everyone claps (slowly at first). He wakes up the next day as himself again. Also Pauly Shore is his BFF and there's a hilarious part where the neighborhood dog is chasing him through the alley while Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog" is playing. 

Point is, the sunglasses work. 

GI-Joe will be amazing and not just for its use of Transitions Lenses. These two posters illustrate that you can use sunglasses to be two very different kinds of cool. 

• Translucent shades paired with straight hair makes you J.Lo cool.
• Opaque shades coupled with hair-sprayed groupie hair makes you, duh, groupie cool. It's coming back.

At some point it was probably considered artful for a movie poster to show part of a face with one eye. Maybe, I dunno, I'm not a real scientist. All I know is after 2000, it became a studio imperative for all movie posters to show the entire movie cast all squished together, so slicing faces in half just started to make sense. 

Sometimes people's obscured faces obscure other people's faces.

Sometimes God holding a gun obscures a face. 

Scale is not important when obscuring faces. The faces can be all different sizes. Who cares. 

It's actually rare for comedies to obscure faces but they're catching on. 

Human or not, if it has a face, it should be obscured. Fuck it. 

Here's how the face-obscuring hierarchy works: Black people are obscured by white people. Paintings of white people are obscured by white glass. 

Sometimes people obscure their own faces. 

And sometimes the person's face isn't symbolic enough of the person, so that person will obscure their face with something that represents them even better than their actual face. 

Final Tweet: 7:55 AM December 29, 2008. Never Forget.

Peter and Greg thought it was nothing short of brilliant to use Twitter, a tool designed for self-promotion, to advertise their client's famous Chicken McNuggets. It's web-based, it's used by their target demo, and best of all, it's free to use and maintain.

Looks good in a Power Point: An easily accessible food becomes a social agent! They just needed to give the campaign a name that vaguely suggests the food is now a phenomenon (Nuggnuts) and they're home free.

That silly question of how to actually communicate with followers (consumers) was never really addressed. 

All those URLs redirect to nuggnuts.com which is really tearing it up these days. Take a look. 

In today's "paperless office," when the VP of marketing says "shut it down," all it takes is a couple keystrokes and entire campaigns disappear. Except the 3rd party Twitters. Those stay out there, cuz fuck it.

Lesson #4. If you're going with the faux-buddy voice, you can't jump back into marketing speak. It's gross.

Lesson #17. Remember who's reading these. No one here knows who Keith Sweat is. Also, sorry, Keith Sweat. You didn't have to do this.  

Lesson #25. Your desperation is showing.

Lesson #38. You don't sound like someone who has served billions; you sound like a kid with no friends. 

Lesson #39. But don't be friends with other corporations. It makes the little people feel uncomfortable. 

Lesson #46. Never, ever do this again.

Yo, Nuggnuts had 309 followers? Yes and no. That's more like a count of the number of people in the McDonald's marketing and ad sales departments who Twitter. Who Nuggnuts was following, I haven't the foggiest. 

Hopefully at this point, companies are realizing that social media isn't an effective way to advertise. Geico found that out real fast. With one single tweet to its name, GeicoMoney went gentle into that good night of failed marketing, never to return.

Go on, tip your 40s. Try and find him now, and this is all that remains.

Art is a hard thing to talk about but I have a pretty wide definition for it. I'd say it's anything that activates the critical senses. So yeah, basically anything. Having said that, I'm about to contradict that notion with some impotent hating. Let's go to the New Museum!

TNM has an exhibit up right now called The Generational: Younger Than Jesus, which is the worst name ever. It features the work of 50 artists all, you know, younger than etc.

Alternate title of show: Art By People 33 And Under. 33 is younger than Jesus, but it aint no Miley Cyrus either. Or Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart since we're using big names. 33. That is how old our parents (ahem, one generation ago) were when they were married and had children and careers and houses. You know. Adults.

But cool I get you. Bring on the rich and intricate.

Spiral Staircase To Nowhere. Materials: Spiral Staircase.

This artist hired a model to meditate (sleep) in a bed. My roommate in college did this for a show too but she was naked. Doesn't every college have one of these?

The iGeneration (cringe) loves big halftones. When you're younger than the Son of God, it's basically your job to be all about halftones.

Speaking of God,

Ha Ha Ha! Being young is the best! It totally doesn't matter! Go Millennials!

The hallmark of all children of the 80s: The Collage. COME ON, DUDE. Way to glue a Time Magazine to some foam core, lazybones.

Listen up, my fellow Generation Me's (and 33 year olds): everyone knows mannequins are one of the laziest, go-to props in modern art. People older than Jesus are over this trick, and now you know, and knowing is half the etc.

Guess who just flipped the script on how to hang a photograph on the wall. That person who's 31.

Gen Y Pop (Art) Quiz. Was this in the gallery or in the cafe? I'll never tell. 

I was heading toward the exit, thinking to myself: man, this exhibit is really literal and heavy-handed and entitled. Then I got to the exit and saw this.

That's a 30 foot banner. Is it possible for a building to have a Peter Pan complex? They should've had a second banner that said: "BUT DO PAY US $12." At least then we'd all be in on the joke.

I didn't take pics of everything, but there was stuff I liked also. Someone did a really detailed Where's Waldo painting but of the British Empire and most of the videos are fun to watch. Also - and this is my favorite - one museum security guard is always wearing an Adidas track suit with blood on it. No explanation.

Also, there was banana peel on the floor five feet out from one of the walls. I couldn't tell if that was exhibit or not, but hey. Ha (for the kids [us]).

There was a massive wall of drawings that looked radical until it turned out the artist's grandmother drew all of them and the young artist just videotaped her doing it. Psh. Laaaazy.

Was taking lazy pills one of the requirements for getting work shone?

Oh also, there's totally that video installation of a dude in drag breaking picture frames with a hammer. You know what I'm talking about, right?

I realize it's pretty bad form to trash other people's art, but then again, no it's not. It's art. On display. For money.