Meat Always Thinks You Don't Love It
Friday, February 20, 2009 at 02:44PM 
Beef and Pork are so vain, but whatever. Their awareness campaign's are old as hell and basically a part of our hearts forever. Fine. But now we got a recession on, it's winter, people are eating sandwiches and suddenly veal - beef's preppy kid brother with a pretty face - decides it needs a publicist. Peep the official hotness:
Yeah, "Vote for Veal." To be delicious. To be in my tummy. Veal does have the double-punch dilemma of being both fancy pantsy and made of baby milk-fed calves raised in a box. So I get it. PR.
But yo really, no meat needs to advertise that hard.
Meat is selling like hot cakes (hot cakes still sell right? they would if they were made out of meat). Or rather, it always has. Meat never needed any promotion because it sells itself. Remember Mad Cow Disease? That's beef with AIDS and it still didn't make us stop eating it. Do you know what happens when you eat undercooked pork? You turn into a killer zombie. So? And mercury poisoning? It gives you the gum disease known as gingivitis and then you explode but we can't get enough soosh. Meat is everywhere. A rare steak? That's an oxymoron, bitch. Steak is for everyone, even bad guys.
Eastern European markets know how to sell it. Why put lipstick on a pig when they already know someone's going to make love to it with their guts.
If mammal flesh is gonna have any kind of public awareness campaign, it should mimic politics. A sign isn't going to convince non-believers. It's gonna to preach blood to a choir that sees red.
And the rest?
"Veal. It's Never Too Early."
"Eat Chicken. Unless You're Chicken."
"Turkey. Oh Man."
"Lamb. It Aint Bah-a-a-a-a-d."
"Goats? Totes!"
"Sea Bass. Fuck."
"Ostrich. Dino Omelets." or "Ostrich. I KNOW, RIGHT?!"
"Kangaroo. It Kanga-rules."
"Shrimp. Don't Be A Pussy." or "Shrimp. Hi."
"Pheasant. A Jerk For Having Those Tiny Little Bones."
"Salmon. Piven Can't Hang With This."
"Venison. It's Bamb-easy."
Reader Comments (8)
Pork - totally just a pig's ass. delicious.
Orange roughy. The way your mother likes it.
Bison. Buy some.
Cat. Just don't think about it.
Whale. It's gonna be HUGE!
Snake. Deliciousssssssssss.
Cow tongue. Lick some.
Tuna. Bling bling, mother fucka.
As a vegetarian, I must mention my fav pair of boxer shorts - they read: "Vegetarian? My cock is made of tofu!"