Hey.

So I've been away for a while and I'm probably going to stay gone for a little longer but I have to say this right now and there's no other way to say it. Vincent D'Onofrio always looks like he's taking a shit. I noticed this like 10 years ago ago and I've never said anything about it (not even to friends or family!) because it's just a really weird thing to say. Like who pays that much attention to Vincent D'Onofrio?

I do, motherfucker. 

I think about him a lot. Probably because of Full Metal Jacket. But yo. Look.

That's Vincent D'Onofrio taking a shit. 

This is what taking a shit in 1995 looked like. Also, being Italian. Vinniiiiiie. 

The face sells it, but it doesn't help that he's always crouching. Anyone familiar with L&O:CI or any cop show really, knows when a man in a suit is crouching near some graffiti, he's looking at spent bullet casings. But if you're familiar with Vincent D'Onofrio like I am, you'd know he's actually looking for a nice urban patch to take a shit on. Note the symbolism with the fingers. He's trying to tell you. 

Another subtle way you can tell Vincent D'Onofrio is taking a shit is sometimes he'll be sitting on a toilet taking a shit. Also he'll be making that terrible face. 

Vincent, are you actually interested in my account of witnessing the murder or are you just concentrating on that other thing. Takin' a poooop. 

Oh, for cryin' out loud, Vincent. Again, obviously the face, but there is still no better huncher in the business. Motherfucker can hunch! 

I told you not to eat that, Vincent! Oh no! 

Even in a comedy Vincent D'Onofrio must take a shit. On a bus. Everyone approves. That is pretty funny. 

Cockroach in an Edgar Suit? Ha, try Shit in a Vincent D'Onofrio Suit. You just know this guy is a method actor so those coveralls definitely have seen some poop. It's like, motivation. 

In The Cell he actually was a shit. Method actors take all that "be the ball" nonsense really seriously. 

Dude, fucking stop it. Get off the ground. None of your friends are taking shits on the ground. Just you. 

In actuality though, you gotta feel bad for Vinnie D. He probably hates it more than anyone; every time they do a Law & Order photo shoot the art director is like, "OK, everyone look real smoldery, Vincent, take a knee why don't ya."

"Shittin' Time," he thinks to himself. 

The picture on the right is the worst because they cropped it for a subway ad:

And whenever I see it, it just looks to me like he's taking a shit on someone's head.

P.S. Hey, The Unit. How about you get three guys that care even less about being on a poster.