Things I Would Say To Trudy Campbell

1.) You're like, the best. 

2.) What are those? Cats? Giraffes? They're my favorite part of your apartment, whatever they are.

3.) I know it's the 60s and dudes were still goofy about how they went to bed (PJ's with an undershirt is pushing it though) and because I'm a tolerant man I can forgive the supremely juvenile glass of milk but a plate of Fig Newtons? That's too damn much. No wonder your husband doesn't want a kid, he fucking is a kid! Look at him: "gulp, gulp gulp!" Also he cheated on you. Also you're hot. 

4.) I bet your dad and I would get along. 

4.) Remember when they used that photo of some weird other woman to be you in the pilot? That's bullshit.

5.) Good call not having an affair with that slick weirdo man-boy. He's basically your husband except he's totally obsessed with you and you're not supposed to bang your stalker. Jude Law taught me that. Do like Don and always hook up with people that are the exact opposite of your spouse in at least two or three key aspects. If you let this sniveling - albeit discreet - man from your past back in, then you can't be surprised when you call him for some naughty fun and he's like, "Ribeye. In the pan. With butter. Ice cream for dessert." Guess who's got two infantile husbands now. Congratulations, one writes for Boy's Life and the other one publishes that muthafucka.

6.) Not a lot of people know your name is Gertrude, but I know because I love you.

7.) Almost all the major decisions in your marriage have been yours but somehow you convince Pete that they're his. How do you do that? Bro took a sperm test and thought it was his idea. He thought returning that Chip 'n Dip was his idea. He probably thought those ridiculous dance lessons were his idea. 

8.) You have the EXACT SAME lamp as my Uncle Dewey. WHAT.

9.) In the future, Trudy, there's going to be a movie called The Surrogates about people who get really hot robots to pretend to be them and experience all of life's joys for them. Isn't that funny?

10.) I never saw it but I'm assuming it's about your hair whenever you leave the house, right? P.S. Leave your house more often because A, your hair looks great and B, when you don't leave the house you turn into Betty Draper who is the All Spark Cube of Hot Messes. That's from another movie in the future. 

11.) Wait, your name is Alison Brie? Dude, you're a cheese.