My Three Apocalypse Buddies
The problem with the "5 Things on a Desert Island" game is you can pick your items but you never feel satisfied. I think the reason is because secretly everyone actually wants to be on the island and we know it'll never happen. Seriously, I'm sad I will never get there. What are your picks? Let me guess: a book, an iPod, your favorite hoodie, sunglasses and a barrel filled with unlimited food, right? Me too! It's because we all want to party on the island. The island sounds fun. Please. Put me on the island.
Who said Swiss Army Knife? Get out.
Now the Apocalypse is more interesting, first of all, because it actually will happen. Secondly, no one wants it to happen. Thirdliest, it affects all of us. So now, your decisions have a little more weight to them. I'm not going to ask what your 5 items are because let me guess: a book, a hoodie, etc. We all have the same stuff. Doesn't matter. My question is, who are your Three Apocalypse Buddies? This can be anyone. Except MacGuyver. Why? I dunno. A boulder fell on him, I guess. But who are you going to wander the scorched Earth with? Think on it.
Here, submitted for your approval, are my Three Apocalypse Buddies.
Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. Obviously. But I know what you're thinking. It's not because Mike is rugged and it's not because he's all manly and such. It's because Mike Rowe spends his days talking to the dumbest, dirtiest people on Earth. He makes friends with literally everyone he meets. Think of how quintessential he would be in a post-apocalyptic landscape. Hordes of bandits, folks covered in grease, cannibals, big, dirty, dum-dums. He'd be all, "Wow. What are you holding there? Is that a knife made from a human femur? Sheesh. And I thought my leg hurt. Can I hold it? Wow. So let me get this straight. You're the leader of a gang that eats other people. And you take all their things. Well, that sounds fun. Is it fun?" Mike Rowe. Friend-maker.
Not gonna lie: I also have a feeling old Mike would be real supportive if I broke down and started bawling. People cry during the Apocalypse, you know. He'd be real cool about it, I bet.
Omar Little from The Wire. Doy! He's perfect. The guy already lives in the Apocalypse (Baltimore) and he also is the Apocalypse. For drug dealers anyway. He has a shotgun. He's killed over 9,000 people. He is fast on his feet, resourceful, and he has a good heart somehow. He takes his mee-maw to church, he likes Honey Nut Cheerios and he only hurts bad guys. The cool thing about him also, is he's really smooth. He wouldn't freak out in a nuts situation. Some Road Warrior types roll up on us and he'd be all, "Say now. I like that hockey mask, man. You best be moving on though. You 'aint about to see what business we into right now." But he'd be aiming a huge hand cannon at them the whole time. Yes. Omar is so on my team.
Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Of course he'd be really handy in a pinch if he can, you know, make a time machine and make the Apocalypse not happen. But there's something more subtle about old Doc. You ever get the feeling that Doc could like, rip it up on the dance floor or cook a really good omelet? I don't know if anyone has thought about that but I did and I'll chalk it up to good writing. Anyway, that's the kinda guy I want on my team. This guy went back in time and built a fridge so he could make iced tea in the wild west days. WTF. Also, when you're with Doc, I think you're just sort of automatically cooler. He inspires confidence in his youthful counterparts.
So these are my Three Apocalypse Buddies and I think it's pretty safe to say we'd look out for each other and enrich the remainders of one another's lives as we picked and scavenged our way across the burnt-out hellscape that is Future Earth. But having just said that, I'm starting to regret not picking an Apocalypse Girlfriend. Oh well! Apocalypse Buddy Runners up: Wall*E, Blade, the gal from 28 Days Later and Crocodile Dundee. Also, this is totally going to be a question in the Decision-Making Event at the Future 'Lympics.