After London blew its cultural load on the closing ceremonies in Beijing (complete with Double Decker bus, umbrellas, David Beckham, The Spice Girls, White Wig'd Barristers, and Gwyneth Paltrow) there really isn't much to look forward to for the next opening ceremony. The clever British know this as well, so they've been pouring all their innovation into fresh new sporting events: The 100 Metre Debate, Synchronized Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road, The Men's Freestyle Literature Medley, etc.
Moving on. I recognize that Olympic sports are human feats boiled down to an extreme minimalist form. It's not running from wolves with firewood in your arms; it's just running. It's not archery to kill the invading Persians; it's just archery. It's not doing the pommel horse with a baby strapped to your back surrounded by lava; it's just looking silly. The Olympics - minus the ceremonies, medals, and backstories - are about being simple and executive. And I love that! So why not push that one-dimensional envelope even further and create the best event ever: Decision-Making.
Yes. Making a hard ass call in front of the world. Not only would Decision-Making be the most fun event to watch, it would inspire debate for years afterwards because it's a judged event.
- The Cutest Baby Puffin. Olympian has to choose the most adorable out of 3.
- The Freestyle Would-You-Rather. Question is up to an audience member chosen at random.
- The Your Future Child's Name Choosing Relay. Middle names too, doy.
- The What Is It? Long Distance Object Identification.
- The Hypothetical T-Rex vs. Flying Shark Fight.
- The Sea Foam or Ocean Mist Challenge. It's only one color.
- The Best Weapon in a Hardware Store.