Dear Entertainment Weekly: You're So Bad at Lying
Friday, March 27, 2009 at 02:50PM Do you still read magazines? I'm talking about in your home. And New York Magazine doesn't count.
I just read an Entertainment Weekly, which has basically been downgraded to one of those 20-page mini-mags that you find glued inside a larger magazine. It's mad gossipy, nonsensical, and I think the entire thing was written by Diablo Cody. Sonofabitch it's bad.
One of EW's new things is to pretend its a pop culture maven and people are writing to them like maniacs to get any scrap of info they can on some shit. It's not that they have to write this stuff; the people want to know! Look at this.
A: Hi Henry. If you were a fan, you wouldn't ask that. You would watch Ugly Betty.
A: Abby, what are you? If you're writing in because you love Prison Break, then why do you want know what's hap - nevermind, you're not real.
A: Haha. There are no Numb3rs fans. You don't exist, Hope. (Nice touch on the name, E Dubs!) Who the hell says scoop, anyway?
Chris. Dude. Clearly you don't have wife and clearly you don't beat her because if you did, you'd know that you can get a 6-pack of these "undershirts" at a gas station for a high five. Distressed or new, whatevs. Oh yeah. You're not real either. Shit.
Get it? Because Twilight came out months ago. Grrr. It goes on and on.
You know when your friend lies to you and it's a totally half-assed lie and you're more insulted that it was a bad lie than the fact that your friend told you one? Entertainment Weekly doesn't need to lie like this. They can be honest. Bella's jacket is cool. Just say where it's from and that it's $700. When you pull some half-baked JV shit like pretending people are ravenously looking for the exact same white ribbed tank tops that Wolvie has, it just makes me sad that we're not cool anymore.
And me and EW were cool once. I used to subscribe to Entertainment. My whole family would read it. They had tough critics, amazing illustration, funny writers. They were the first magazine to make mix CDs.
Now their back page is a phony version of NYM's Approval Matrix but you know, like edited by a little girl.
Also, I was only joking when I said Diablo Cody wrote the whole thing. She only wrote this part.
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Reader Comments (5)
quantum of slumace starring freida pinto.
I used to blackmail them into sending me their newest mix cd's.
Brian (pubescent voice cracking): I'll renew, but only if you send me Absolute 80's.
I have like 10 of them: disco, 2 80's, Lite AM 70's, Classic Rock...i love them.
I hear you on all those fake "readers" asking pointless questions, but I wouldn't be surprised if that Chris guy asking about the Wolverine shirt had ulterior motives. I think he was asking where he could find the ACTUAL shirt Hugh Jackman wore.... you know, because Chris is gay and has one of those fetishes. He probably asked for Wolverine's underwear, too, but we all know Wolverine goes commando.
I just subscribed to New York Magazine and you totally called me out. Ouch.
I also believe your youtube clip proves that we're nearing the point where EVERYTHING is on the internet. Like, by next week your mom will be able to view footage of your first baby step, even though your family didn't even own a camera....PRESTO - it's on YouTube. Mostly because in the near future that will be the only footage left to upload, footage that wasn't originally even capture. "Coming soon: History, unedited."
This is very funny.. and not surprising at all. I totally agree that its annoying when the magazines are 100% fake. O well... move on to some quality reading like the National Enquirer. At least everything you read in there is true ;-)