Mister: What have you produced recently?

Sumer: I worked on a Sour Patch Kids commercial with Method Man. 

Mister: Did you enjoy sneezing for this?

Sumer: Nope.

1. Jacket: GAP

2. Sweater: J. Crew

3. Dress: Forever 21

4. Shoes: Vintage

Mister: What's in your hand?

Nick: A Q-tip. That's how I make myself sneeze, I stick it up my nose and give it a tickle. I gotta run.

1. Hoodie: Don't remember

2. Joker T-shirt: eBay

3. Jeans: eBay

4. Boots: eBay

Mister: You're a photic. It's Greek for 'of light.' You're light sensitive. 

Patrick: Not really. I sneeze in the light, though.

Mister: It's an inherited trait. One in three people have it.

Patrick: Neat.

1. Shirt: GAP

2. Down vest: Vintage

3. Tie: Uniqlo

4. Jeans: G-Star RAW

5. Sneakers: Adidas

Mister: You have a dog now.

Tova: Yes, Marlo. He's the best.

Mister: Did you know a sneeze can travel 100 miles per hour and expel 100,000 germs into the air?

Tova: No.

1. Men's cardigan: GAP

2. Shirt: J. Crew

3. Gloves: Muji

4. Jeans: J Brand

5. Boots: Frye

Mister: Did you hear about Tova's dog?

Brian: Yeah, Marlo! He's really cute.

Mister: Who do you miss more, Tova or Harris?

Brian: Don't you want to ask me about teaching?

1. Hat: Olney 

2. Shirt: J. Crew

3. Tie: Vicky Davis NY

4. Jeans: GAP

5. Moccasins: Sketchers

Mister: You've been doing a lot of improv these days.

Woody: I have!

Mister: A sneeze can actually be considered part of the immune system. When a foreign agent, like bacteria, triggers a sneeze response, signals are sent to tightly close the throat, eyes, and mouth. Next, your chest muscles vigorously contract and your throat muscles quickly relax. As a result, air, saliva and mucus are forced out of your mouth and nose.

Woody: Thank you.

1. Wool coat (not pictured): L.L. Bean

2. Cattitude T-shirt: eBay

3. Pants: Chatuchak Flea Market, Thailand

4. Sneakers: Adidas

Fashion While Sneezing Part 1, Fashion While Sneezing Part 2

"We require a visible past, a visible continuum, a visible myth of origin, which reassures us about our end. Because finally we have never believed in them."

You can pretty much turn to any page in Jean Baudrillard's Simulacra and Simulation (unless you're Neo) and find a sentence that addresses this late-night discovery: The Morgan stop on the L has replaced a tile mosaic sign with a photo of a tile mosaic sign.  

Real:

Matrix:

Let's go down to Wall Street and demand some answers on this. 

Here's a music vid I drew and animated for musician Jarrod Gorbel. It was directed by a very cool fellow named Adam Neustadter at Ghost Robot. The song also features Nicole Atkins who is lovely and from New Jersey. 

Can you pick out all of the celebrity / pop culture cameos? I won't be offended if you can't because they're not very accurate and stuff.

Fun Fact 1: I drew the elements with a fancy Japanese brush pen and it ran out of ink right when I finished my last cloud doodle. 

Fun Fact 2: The man in the video is supposed to be Mr. Gorbel but he's basically me! Good night. 

While Miracle Whip continues to stumble blindly through the The World of Digital Marketing, this is still a large step up from their first social strategy. Remember Zingr? 

So who is this ad for? 

Are we the girl? Is the girl standing sassily in opposition to us? Is Bank of America making fun of the girl? The ambiguity is overwhelming. 

This thing actually combines two advertising cliches I despise: ads that use the word hipster like it's an actual relatable thing and ads that are subway-specific. When a poster tries to get all "in the trenches with the soldiers" I can't take it. 

As with most ads that invoke the H-word, this one doesn't know if it's making fun of hipsters or courting them. Since no one has ever self-identified as a Hpstr, it can't be for them so it has to be for everyone else, right? Which makes this a stupefying bit of copy because it's telling all the normals (us?) that the people vaguely known to be insufferable entitled brats have way more access to cash now. Is that good?

Listen, Bank of America. If you're going to draw lines in the sand, you have to pick a side.

FlatRate takes it one step further by really specifically calling you a fucking asshole before asking for your business. Don't make fun of your customers, dicks. Also, Resolve daddy issues? God you're awful.

"Hey babe we're hipsters, right? And we're looking to buy. Maybe we should go to this."

                                                         - No one

I sure hope the agency that made this didn't get ridiculous boatloads of money (they did). If anything, the H-word does the largest disservice to calls-to-action like this. The poster is literally calling you a hipster for donating money. I would say these places need youth consultants but they were probably the dummies that came up with garbage like this. 

Also, that picture makes no sense. 

Gotcha. Fixed gear bikes. Skinny jeans. Irony. You know what the worst part about hipster advertising is? It's lazy. To me that's worse than being offensive or passive-aggressive or cruel. 

It doesn't risk or commit to anything. If it's not lampooning the same handful of extremely common traits (iPods? Books?!), it levels responsibility on the viewer to define what the ad is actually saying (Hipsters like the Honda Jazz and you should like the Honda Jazz but feel free to think hipsters are losers). It expects you to do what it refuses to do which is make sense of a vague and polarizing word/group/idea and either identify with it or mock it or ideally both. That is obscenely lazy. 

Epilogue. Mena Suvari is hilarious. 

Obviously buy the fucking thing here. Mena, maybe we should start looking at places. 

Sensible. Fashionable. Parent-approved. The J-Threezy teaches the young active male what older siblings and dads never could: girls pay attention to your shoes. The Brothers Jonas know this. Get these and then invest in a keeping-away stick. 

In honor of RHCP bassist Flea’s unflinching dedication to nudity, the Fleazy comes in the shape of a naked human foot. Now you too can be comfortable baring it all while simultaneously enjoying the comfort and protection of silicone rubber boot. Also good for Halloween, all you Tolkein fans.

This shoe is sort of irritating but somehow it’s still pretty cute.

This ain’t your daddy’s double XL orthopedic clog. It’s Rick Ross’. And yours. No givebacks. Reezy’s are great on your feet for when you’re getting your mail, walking to the kitchen for food, answering the door at 4AM when your roommate’s locked out… all kinds of radical sport-like activities. Available in men’s sizes 17 – 22.

Laces. Check. Velcro. Check. That party in Boulder where Lisa and Anthony drank that weird punch that made them barf all night, and you were super nervous because Jen was supposed to come and then she did come and she walks up to you and goes, “Hey,” and you’re like, “Hey,” and then she’s like “LET’S DANCE NOW,” and you guys did and had the best time until Anthony came back and punched you in the back of the head and passed out on that random girl’s fur coat. Check. 

They’re your garden variety swag bag flip-flops, but check it out. There’s totally a promotional code printed on them and you can enter it into a website during the finale for like a Bo Bice CD I think. So save these.

Every Armageddon has its Deep Impact and every Yeezy has its Atmospheezy. It's not the same thing. It's not. Look. The Pheezy has an extra insole so when you’re done hooping it up, you can Tokyo Drift to the lab for a rhyme sesh with dry feet. Also, this one has Power Laces. From the Future. Part II.

Coldplay are wonderful philanthropists and known for their altruism almost as much as their jogging music. And just when you think they’re about to stop championing causes and giving away their music, they drop this on us. The Coldpleezy Totally Freezy is, yep, totally free. And when you go to the store to literally take a pair for nothing, they still donate $25 to a charity of your choosing, give you a CD-R of their unreleased new album, and the keys to their studio. Waterproof.

This is a totally legit, sexypants heel. But there’s a 4-inch retractable blade in the toe for kicking enemies or frenemies. Wear it to fancy dinner and dance like no one’s watching. Then kick Derrick's tires! He cheated on you.

To pull off a concept album, you either need a great sense of humor or you need to be crazy and it’s perfect if you can manage both. All great hip hop records are essentially concept albums for this reason. Tori Amos tried and failed because she was crazy but too serious. Pop punk bands are all funny (not really) but they’re not crazy.

“If it was easy, I’d still be a real thing” – Chris Gaines

Knowing that, let’s look at some concept albums that are sure to do it right. 

Halloween! by Ween

What’s the problem with all Halloween parties? Everyone always puts Thriller on the mix and you groove for a couple seconds and then the dance floor clears because THERE’S NO GOOD HALLOWEEN SONGS. Thriller’s ok but it’s 29 minutes long and Vincent Price’s voice is a boner killer and I hate my costume and now I’m going home. See? The party’s dead. Ween is just the ticket for a fresh perspective on a holiday that has sorely needed good tunes since forever (Monster Mash? Shut up) and they’re the perfect blend of tacky and sincere and really disturbing. Plus, Ween, Halloween, HalloWEEN, you get it.

Mine Again by Tom Waits

 Tom Waits covers Scarlett Johansson’s Tom Waits covers. Listen, this is necessary. Waits has a gravelly voice. ScarJo has a Kathleen Turner voice. Waits on top of that again is a Kathleen Turner sandwich with gravel bread. The vocals will be so low on this fucking album dead people will hear it. Also, it’s fun to think that the ball’s in Scarlett’s court again. What’s she gonna do, triple covers? This is the business of making and breaking records, is it not? Shit.

Just Matt by Matthew McConaughey

Just because it happened 12 years ago doesn’t mean he’s stopped. Matthew McConaughey IS bongo drums. Just Matt is a rare double album of his very best late night sessions in his home in Austin, Texas. Bongos, congas, djembes, nothing is off limits so long as it’s a drum that he can play naked. Buy this. BUY THIS.

Also, check out JK Livin, McConaughey's 100% serious, non-concept website that sells hacky sacks and hoodies. JK stands for Just Keep. 

Songs About My House by Method Man and Redman

FACT: Every rapper has to make fun of Suburbia. It’s a part of the game.
FACT: Redman’s episode of Cribs is Tha Best.
FACT: Method Man was Cheese on The Wire.
FACT: Method Man was also in the Hype Williams movie Belly.
FACT: I really want Method Man and Redman to be roommates in real life.
FACT: 12 songs about how great their house is would be so amazing.

Auto-tune The Blues by Kanye West
If there’s one thing hip hop aint, it’s emo. Poor Kanye; All he wants to do is skateboard and go to museums and update his blog. Now that Jay-Z has declared war on Auto-tune, the Four Elements are turning their back on their prodigal son with the metal chin. But that’s ok because Kanye has something else on his plate. The original emo: The Blues. Every track is Auto-tuned, every track is real sad.

There is an endless supply of heartbreak and sadness in that dusty old genre and it’s been one that has, up until now, not been strip-mined for samples. But Mr. West has always been a pioneer of second comings: red leather, those fucking venetian blind sunglasses, and now The Blues. Sing it.

North Korean Democracy by Guns N’ Roses
It’s not like I was ever really waiting for Chinese Democracy to drop. I knew it would one day and I knew I probably wouldn’t listen to it. Not because I don’t like GNR – because I do I guess – but because I thought it was a bad name. It was a false promise like Blonde on Blonde or How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. Faux sensationalists. But North Korean Democracy… pertinent! Because all the songs would ACTUALLY BE ABOUT NORTH KOREAN DEMOCRACY. The record would be a big arrow pointing to Laura Ling and Euna Lee’s imprisonment. Or maybe just Kim Jong Il. Either way, Guns N’ Roses has 12 years to complete it if they want it to stay relevant.

Don’t Leave Britney Alone by Britney Spears
Fact time again: Scarcity determines value and cassettes (not to mention cassette players) are about as hard to find as white mud, so basically Britney’s a genius. This is equivalent to doing a secret show in a 24-hour deli or selling your own line of hard hats: it’s novelty with a wink and that’s all you need for a word-of-mouth revival. What’s on the tape? Oh. It’s all spoken word. Some of it is mental notes to pick up dry cleaning, lists of groceries, stuff like that. A couple poems. Why is that important? It’s not, until Danger Mouse or some other doofus starts to sample it.

Mo’ Stretchin’ by Moby
This is a straight yoga album. Moby takes a lot of heat for being strange and articulate but I think it’s because he is always juxtaposed against clubs and robots and Ecstasy and things that seem very obvious and different than he is. I don’t know. I don’t know Moby but I do know he does yoga and I also know yoga studios play too much of the Garden State soundtrack, so Moby, slam some tea, make some jams and keep this shit fun. Jay-Z should call another press conference: Braff Rock is dead too. Beep Boop.