Airline safety cards have always been the definitive example of infographics for me: low-tech, honest, diplomatic. Uncool. They're like the designated drivers of drawings. I always wanted to see one move. 

Enter...

"H'owl'd are you?" 

"I'm 11 owl years young."

"Congr'owl'tulations!"

The problem with this beautifully-bound owl notebook is what are you going to write in it? People don't get journals to write about how adorable their lives are. Whoever buys this is gonna fill it with some Greenberg shit and then feel silly. 

This owl looks like he would be the best friend in that new owl movie.

Once you know that owls can be found in all regions of the world (except Antarctica) including Greenland and remote islands, this print doesn't seem so insane. 

There's too many dimensions of twee artifice here; I'm throwing in the t'owl.

A group of owls - a rarity - is called a parliament.  

People associate owls with intelligence because Athena was a bird-goddess and she was all about wisdom and the arts (right? I don't really know). Mensa's mascot is an owl. Good one, Mensa. 

Here, have an owl, Dad.  

People eat owls in places like Malaysia, but don't you think they'd taste like old grandpas? Like old grandpa shoes? 

If I'm certain of one thing, it's that this owl is gonna be covered in creamed carrots tomorrow. Sorry little guy.

Look, a P-funk of owls. This mama owl is teaching its babies how to hunt mice. Wireless mice. Zzz.

In Buster Bluth voice: "Hey, Onesie." Also, creamed carrots part deux. All up in that. 

Finally. A vendor who portrays owls as they really are: Badass night killers with exorcist necks and cold, uncaring eyes. Solo hunters with bloodlust so insatiable they scream as they attack, "SCREEEEEE!!!"

Aw cute, they're kinda pixel-y too. 

I used to have a stuffed animal like this when I was 6 but it was a hippo. This kind is tough because they never stand up on their own; I always had to lean it back against other stuffed animals but then it just looked like the leader of all the stuffed animals and it became a big political mess. Also, when you buy this you'll think it'll make a great little sofa pillow - and it will - but later you'll get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and you'll see it staring at you in the dark and you'll feel so ridiculous for being scared. But you will be scared.

Owls are fucked up like that. 

M.I.A.'s next video targets albinos. 

This would be great for dog food if you really wanted to fuck with your dog. 

Look at that guy. I'm h'owl'ing in pain at the sight of him. 

Remember: Fads are cyclical. In 1997 people really hated owls. Wait, they still do?

Owls provided by:

Dan Siegel, Derrick Velasquez, Adrienne Vita, Jacqueline Schmidt, K.Flick Studio, Foxy & Winston, Mat Daly, Hero Design Studio

Also known as "My face."

Used for: Movie and TV roles, Life.

Also known as "The Secret Stache."

Used for: Driving the sitter home.

Also known as "I Get That a Lot."

Used for: Travel abroad, driving the sitter home.

Also known as "The Aluminum Sheen."

Used for: Evading the very real aliens from The Arrival, keeping face fresh. 

Also known as "The Harassment Suit Avoider," "Damnit."

Used for: Occasionally filling in for Seagal, not seeing out of. 

Also known as "The Cheater."

Used for: Driving the sitter home.  

Also known as "Dark Sheen."

Used for: Petty crime, finishing own sentences.

Also known as "The Murder Doll."

Used for: "Hiding in a creepy pile of toys, occasional comedy gigs in The Poconos.

Just do this and thank me for the extra 4 million households in the midwest that sign up for HBO. 

What I'm saying is, if they want to make Snow White into Maid Marian for the dance scene, that's fine. What's not fine is this:

How much did audio tape cost back then? What was a child actor's day rate in 1963? Not getting punched? 1963 is Mad Men times so a kid's reward was like a quarter or fish sticks or letting them make you a Manhattan. Christ Disney, it's called take 2. Your boys in the glacially slow every-frame-is-a-hand-painted-masterpiece animation department are gonna be busy for the next 6 years so why not get a couple more reads?

By the way, Wart. Loved you in Jungle Book.

Cool. Whatever. We were all ahead of the curve on that one anyway (What's next, Hollywood's gonna say the breakfast burrito is the new mmm?). Then Ke$ha clawed her way out of a dry bathtub and was like, I'll show you quakers a morning after. 

"... blah blah blah, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack..."

Fair enough. Rinsing with whiskey is pretty hardcore I guess? But the act totally loses all potency when you realize Jason "Bored to Death" Schwartzman did it like 8 years ago in his totally emo music video for that O.C. song. 

Hahaha, who's hardcore now, Ke$h-face? He's wearing a bathrobe! He's so clean!

Cite your sources! Just kidding! Don't make music!