"Always the groomsman and never the LLC, right fellas?"

                           - Patrick Hosmer, stand-up comedian

I've been lucky to have helped a handful of good friends brand their businesses and just recently, I got to do it one more time for the guy who used to accidentally get all my work e-mail sent to him. Sharing a first name (and near identical last name) with a co-worker lends itself to instant nicknaming and fortunately, Patrick Holbert already had an alias. 

It's no wonder then, that he named his production company Miscellaneous Media. 

He asked me to design a few treatments for his production page - the one-second production company ID that appears at the tail end of every TV show - and I made these. Once again, because I'm lucky, he chose one to use for all his shows.

Can you guess which one?

Watch MTV's True Life: I Have a Parent in Prison on 3/28 at 5:30PM to find out!

So last night while I was not looking at cats or reading magazines, and I had a profound moment of clarity. The cover of the 8-bit Nintendo game Contra is totally ripping off the movie Predator. 

Forbidden Planet has the largest collection of faux vintage nerd-boner t-shirts in New York and it's the only place you can get a t-shirt of a video game. The Contra shirt was totally bugging me and I couldn't understand why. It was like I'd seen this video game cover so many times from my childhood at the video store with my Dad. But I hadn't. So why is it so familiar? Then it hit me:

Fucking Predator.

Nice job, totally Japanese artist! Check out the glint on the pouches! All the shiny sinew! I can only imagine the artist was also given a head-shot of Dolph Lundgren so as not to accidentally make this a perfect rendering of the Schwartz. And don't think I can't see you, Insultingly Obvious Copy Of An Alien. This game cover is literally just a collage of badass stuff in the 80s. The only thing that could make it better would be if there was another Arnold in there. Waaaait.

SONOFABITCH. They tried to fool us into thinking that was Rambo, but we know better. 

When you grow up like I did, carefully sidestepping anything remotely competitive, you tend to live your present days awkwardly - but mostly blissfully - unaware of stress-inducers like video games. So this Contra image-theft is probably not news. After doing a little research, it turns out Konami, who made Contra, created a whole bunch of video games with artwork that copied iconic action characters of the 80s. 

Check out Kyle Reese from The Terminator moonlighting as the Metal Gear dude.

Konami, you're basically a kid drawing pictures in your room all day. So I guess you're cool with me.

I recorded the voice for this around the time Jack White started talking about recording the Stripes' 7th album to give you an indication of how lazy I was finishing this cartoon. It's not wise to be topical in a slow medium. You're always behind the curve. 

This, by the way, isn't related to Meg White's crippling, show-cancelling anxiety which became news shortly after I drew this. 

The piano bits were recorded by my old roommate Mikey who is getting married to his GF in India and whose last name I completely misspelled and need to fix - probably when Jack White starts talking about his 8th album. 

Mr. Marra is an illustrator and the proud owner of the recently legitimized Traditional Comics. He went to Syracuse with my brother Chris. I was really excited when Ben asked me if I could help him make a commercial. Usually working with friends is tricky because there is always a fear of not reaching their expectations or seeing eye to eye creatively. Those fears were allayed when he told me he wanted a spot that looked really seedy and poorly-produced. 

Also, he made storyboards which were nice and easy to follow.

It was so windy out the mic only picked up the howl of the spinning Earth. We re-recorded the audio indoors which worked out even better because it doesn't quite match up to his mouth and looks extra nasty. 

That's me placing a marker on the ground, wishing I had gloves. Ben originally wanted to be shirtless under his jean jacket which has an eagle on the back. 

That's Angie Sullivan, who had double duty as "Woman Hand" and "Woman Voice."

Music was made special by George of The Naked Heroes. 

And the little intro tune that went with the logo was by Dan Meth. 

For my payment Ben's going to draw me a picture of anything I want. 

It's impossible to honor your roots while getting a royal upgrade. Jasmine fell in love with you dude, not Prince Ali. Anyway the only person who can pull off Street Rat Chic with Sultan Accents is the original bare-chested, shoulder-padded Diamond in the Rough.

Just be like Jasmine and never change outfits. 

He posted this gem which really takes me back:

Do you remember this? As a kid HBO always represented the paradoxical combo of lurid subject matter and parental consent; Home Box Office inexplicably had the family-friendly vibe while Showtime and Cinemax seemed so seedy by comparison. The soundtrack from this spot always brings about memories of movies like Bachelor Party and Revenge of the Nerds (two movies that for some reason I was allowed to watch as a 7-year old) both of which featured wholesome and respectable actors (Tom Hanks, Anthony Edwards) AND boobies (nice).

More importantly, this spot made me really, really, really want to go inside of a large three-dimensional letter O. I love that this sequence is so plain (we get it: City>Suburbs>Country) and then the last 10 seconds goes totally sci-fi acid trip. Like why on Earth would we go into HBO's O? Exactly.

Now check this shit out. How they done did it:

If you were a kid in the late 80s and early 90s you had to know how to draw block letters. It went along with knowing how to cuff your jeans and - if you were a boy - drawing a ninja turtle. It's kind of like how 100 years ago a kid had to know how to throw a tomato and yell a good headline and lean away from his drunk pa's hay-maker to avoid getting a black eye.

Block letters, bitches. Same thing. HBO knew what was up. This was like Block Letter God coming down from outer space telling you how shit is supposed look. 

Also, my fixation on Being In The O might also have something to do with the video for Out of Touch by Hall & Oates where Oates is continuously and literally In The O. All while they repeatedly sing "Oh-Oh-Oh." These things resonate in the mind of a child.

And the minds of the occasional French DJ duo. 

Pop'N Stick, bitches. 

We all know the best part of a Bratz is the eyes. They're one part crazy, one part danger and three parts DTF. The "Sleepy Fuck Eye" is what gives Bratz their particular identity (that and the absence of a nose) and now you can make any object a Bratz doll by popping some of these creepy peepers on.

Did you know that Bratz maker MGA Entertainment is quietly making $19 trillion every quarter selling these little plastic hookers to our innocent children? Yes, still. Bratz are like MILF porn and that pre-made Chex Mix. You're like, who's buying this stuff? And the answer is EVERYONE. Even you. 

So you're a part of the problem and you can't stop buying Bratz dolls because you're a perv and they're selling like slutty hot cakes and the world is a terrible, dark place.

I'm kidding, you're not buying Bratz because you're a decent person and you are shocked by a make up wearing baby in a thong.

I have no idea what kids are into these days. Ironically child's entertainment today passes through a lot more filters than the toys and cartoons of my youth, almost all of which were more than a little homoerotic and 100% drug-influenced. 

But Bratz have somehow slipped past many of the traditional toy/show watchdogs and ended up becoming the most money-makingest toy manufacturer ever, even going on to influence Mattel to make Barbie a puffy-lipped Anime wannabe.  

Bratz have even moved into that other precious girlhood territory: Ponies. 

'Scuse me. Ponyz.

This reminds me of that joke.

Q: What does a slutty horse eat?

A: Horse dicks. And also oats. 

Whatever. It's the EYEZ. Look at these creatures. 

I'm kidding again. Bratz have been off the market since 2008. Not because they're monstrous self image-mutators, but because the guy who invented them did so while working for Barbie and lawsuits happened. Sometimes Non-competes do good! 

Which means Bratz Pop'N Sticks are totally mine. So I'm changing my position again. These eyes are fucking sexy. They make everything sexy. Let's take these Pop 'N Sticks for a spin in the real world.

Ooh, now I really want this thing on my lap.

How stupid is the inflatable fish on the left? And how bad do you want to hook up with the fish on the right? Exactly.

Damn, Stapler. I wanna get to know you better. Where's your favorite place to eat, girl?

Filing Cabinet, I'm gonna take you shopping. Then I'm gonna put some folders in you. 

This Beta deck is being so sassy right now. You don't know what you're doing to me right now!

Don't look at me like that, Dude's Shoulder. Seriously let me get you a drink. 

Color is just a state of mind, boo. 

Nice stomach, dummy. I'm so sick of these boring stomachs. Oh! That's better. That's a stomach with a little sex appeal. Fucking finally.

Sup Lindsay. With eyes like that you're gonna get stalked.

Oh shit. I wanna stop, drop and roll all over this extinguisher. Can you hear me in there? Do you like Thai? 

Flaunt it, Wall. 

Listen baby. Your sexiness can never be replicated.

Twinz. Nice. 

Everyone thinks their workplace is the craaaaziest.  But really the only people that can rightfully say their office is out of control are folks in the porn biz. Those people have crazy offices. 

I don't work in porn (anymore) so the next best place to work is LOGO where I got to make this:

You hear that? That's a genuine television S-Bomb straight into your left and right channel, son. NSFD (Not Safe For Daytime) is LOGO's uncensored block of programming. On a Saturday night at 1AM it's not uncommon for the channel to show an orgy or a couple guys doing a coke or basically anything raunchy. The hard part is promoting it during actual daytime hours when butts and fucks get blurred and beeped. 

One solution is to emphasize the raciness with an overdose of censorship. The original NSFD promo (my first job at the channel) was a single scene from the American Queer As Folk where Hal Sparks' mom walks through a drug-fueled fun zone, moving in between and in front of motion-tracked, pixel-y salaciousness. 

It never aired for what the Standards Department called "obvious reasons." Like obviously not recognizing the work of a Baby Genius all grown up. Apparently the audio alone was enough to earn this clip a Level 5 Un-Airable status. You know what else got a Level 5? The Roswell Alien Autopsy and Blackstreet Unplugged. 

Anyway these shiny new promos are airing instead. Forget what you once knew about EKGs; Every spike is The Man flexing on your Heart's right to free speech. 

If you can't handle the Mixed Metaphor Heat, you better to stay out of the Censorship ER, bruh. These spots were fun to make.

Trivia Time: the guy saying "clear!" is the voice of VH1 producer extraordinaire Russell Streit. Also, seismic & geological monitors tend to be amber while medical & scientific monitors tend to be blue or green. I don't know why. That's just the rules.