Art Direction, Motion Design & Illustration by Patrick Hosmer

Nobody Really Wants to Fuck a Robot

Added on by Patrick Hosmer.

Of course. They make us safer. They assemble cars really fast. They spell check. They eliminate human error. Machines have improved every facet of the human experience save for one.

Nobody really wants to fuck a robot.

Despite that fact, advertisers insist on teasing us with cyborg sluts. Because we're in the Future and we are sexual deviants and we have titanium cocks. It used to be a rare to see a robo-ho. Lately, they're everywhere.

Minnie, the Heineken spokes-bot, has two extra arms specially designed for tapping the mini keg that is chilling conveniently inside her torso. Grodie. I mean Boner City, 2050! The Perfect Women, am I right, fellas?

This obedient fembot doesn't have a name, but let's just call her Geisha-bot because she is very, very Asian. She slides an electric shaver into her wrist and gives a handjob (cuz she's Asian) to this dude's face in the Champagne Room of the Future. Who could ask for more? Creepy.

Remember when human women used to be alive? Nope. Geisha-bots are the best!

This is the most baffling "sexy" robot campaign yet. Svedka hired Stan Winston Studios to design Svedka_Grl, who is basically I, Robot with injection molded naughty bits. This vodka, which is from the year 2033, reeeaaally hates women. The ads suggest that flesh & blood females are obsolete and this shiny white gynoid is the next evolutionary step. Makes perfect sense. She has built-in stilettos.

Yes, I realize there's 3,000 essays written about Svedka's misogynist message. But how about this: Way to trivialize the gays, Svedka! Also, who is Svedka for? Straight dudes? They all think you just called them gay, so you're officially out of allies, brah. No one likes you. That's not true, Svedka sells so well.

Getting back to my original point: Why do this? This is worse than Michelob Ultra appealing to all the mountain bikers of the world (all 7 of them); this is appealing to a completely non-existent psychographic of dudes who idealize a world where there are NO WOMEN and ONLY CYBORGS that pretend to be horny. That literally sounds like a nightmare.

That's not a thing! That's a lie! No one wants that! The only thing on Earth with a license to be Future Sexy is Justin Timberlake.

Let's look at some other fembots that are supposed to be Future Sexy but are, in fact, the opposite of that.

Ewwww! Remember when you saw that pretty girl's naked torso hanging there like a tire swing with her spine all blowing in the wind? And she's looking at you with those eyes like, "Isn't this what you imagined it would be like?" No! God! Get out of my head, Evil!

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing his dead grandmother crawling up his leg with a knife in her teeth, But no one should be asked to handle this trip." - Hunter S. Thompson

Come on, dude! Why even transform into a pretty girl if you're going to do that? Cover's blown, just stay a robot, Christ.

If there's one medium you can rely on to go totally crazy with the tubes and wires sticking out of a woman, it's Anime. If this turns you on then you are, clinically speaking, also a robot. Congrats on the A.I., humans. We're all going to die.

Janet Jackson really is on some next level shit. If she lived in Zion, every time she'd enter the Matrix with her crew, they'd be like, "Janet, you can't wear that in the Matrix. We all stick to a theme when we do this." And she'd be like, "this time my name is Voltage."

"Sorry my Stepford Wife ruined Poker Night again, boys. She is being such a bitch about her face."

Why even make them that big? This is weird. It really comes down to the idea of soft person flesh getting accidentally pinched and crushed by machine parts. Literal boner-killer. Gross.

Wait. Did you just order me to get a drink? But you're the robot! No, you are! NO, YOU ARE!!

Arcee was the first girl Transformer. She opened a huge psychological door for young boys. All the questions that bubbled up with Arcee were pretty much always answered with a resounding yes. As in yes, she definitely dated all the Autobots including Bumblebee and Hot Rod. And yes, I think I liked her-liked her when I was 6.

Fuck it, Björk gets a free pass. Björk always gets one because she is the best. Besides, robot on robot is different than human on robot. Sorrowful Björk-noids have their own problems without us. Let'em work it out.

Yo, great news! Svedka isn't just championing a male-only future; they have a sweet new campaign to eliminate all women from the present! All you have to do is turn yourself into a Svedka party_bot!

Just submit your headshot, full name as it appears on your birth certificate, Social Security number, and date and place of birth for Svedka Identity Replacement (SIR) to take the reigns.

Goodbye, human world of 2009. Hello cold, sexy 2033. Who wants to fuck me?