Art Direction, Motion Design & Illustration by Patrick Hosmer

Movie Posters Are Dumb, Part II: Photoshopped Sunglasses

Added on by Patrick Hosmer.

Movie Poster Fact: a person featured on a movie poster must be shown in his or her coolest possible state. If the person isn't looking the part or is simply uncool, then that person needs sunglasses Photoshopped onto their face because sunglasses are automatic coolness uppers.

Babies are total losers and they have no self-control. Half the time they can't even talk. Needless to say that's so uncool. But with a little Adobe magic, presto. Instant party animals. Table for six please and I hope you're insured!

It doesn't matter if the character never actually wears sunglasses in the movie. What matters is a good first impression. See, I feel like I could take the little brother down. Ditto for mom and dad and creepy Alan Cumming, but I just can't mess with the cool older sister. And I sure as shit don't want her spying on me.

Look at William H. He's like, "Fuck the shades, Photoshop me a Dark 'n Stormy. I'm kewl as dick, so do yourself a favor and just experience on these Converse for a minute." Meg Ryan on the other hand, is like, "Sunglasses, now. On my face. Make the cool happen, I float on sand, I don't know what's going on with me." Shit. Will Macy is a goddamn pair of sunglasses.

I don't know what's more 'shopped: Ashton's sunglasses or the smogless LA skyline. J/K, it's Ashton's sunglasses by 100 miles. They make him look so cool, now the water looks like a retard.

Remember Shia back in his Holes days? Remember Amy Smart always? They need identical sunglasses, stat.

Ctrl + V, Ctrl + V.

Apply Drop Shadow, Apply Drop Shadow.

...

Ctrl + Z, Ctrl + Z.

Ctrl + Army Helmet.

Forget what the top of this says. I'll tell you what the real plot is. Mark-Paul Gosselaar wakes up as a dog and after several attempts to hide from his mom and dad, he is forced to go to school. He wears sunglasses so no one will know he's a dog. It works! He becomes the coolest kid (dog) in the high school and he even gets voted to be Prom King but he blows his own cover in front of everyone when the head cheerleader tries to make out with him and he gives a heart-melting speech about just being yourself. It's a real show-stopper and everyone claps (slowly at first). He wakes up the next day as himself again. Also Pauly Shore is his BFF and there's a hilarious part where the neighborhood dog is chasing him through the alley while Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog" is playing. 

Point is, the sunglasses work. 

GI-Joe will be amazing and not just for its use of Transitions Lenses. These two posters illustrate that you can use sunglasses to be two very different kinds of cool. 

  • Translucent shades paired with straight hair makes you J.Lo cool.
  • Opaque shades coupled with hair-sprayed groupie hair makes you, duh, groupie cool. It's coming back.