It's not everyday Mister gets up on some shit before everyone else, so I'm giving this a little extra fanfare. The hotly anticipated Karate Kid remake is in preproduction RIGHT NOW (!!!!) and to quench our feverish thirst for pre-teen martial arts attitude, Columbia Pictures sent me a teaser for you guys.
But first let me set the scene: Taraji P. Henson - who is the best - is a mom who has to move to China for work. Because of the Recession. And she brought her sassy pants son Dre with her. Dre is 11. He's a video game and skateboard whiz. Dre gets beat up by a Kung Fu bully because everyone in China does Kung Fu especially 11-year old bullies. So Dre hooks up with his building's maintenance man (Jackie Chan) who is totally a Kung Fu Master and Dre becomes the best Kung Fu 11-year old in China.
But don't take MY word for it...
So obviously, the reboot had to make a few tweaks. Namely:
- Karate Kid = Kung Fu Kid
- California = China
- Daniel-son = Dre
- Daniel-son's Mom = Hot, Hot Taraji P. Henson
- Mr. Miyagi = Supercop
- Good = Suck
- Up = Down
- Nothing = Sacred
Here's some other notable things that had to be removed because Dre is a child who literally just entered the 6th grade:
Sorry, Elisabeth Shue. You shan't have a Millennial Kung Fu equivalent. The love story from the original movie made every dorky kid from Jersey think he could make it with a blonde valley girl by being himself. But that kind of yearning is so old school, a kid today wouldn't even understand what that means. Dating? It's like sexting but without phones. Kung Fu Kid will still make room for love though. Love of Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
John Krease was a great bad guy because he was totally insane. An Ex-marine who teaches Karate and preaches "no mercy." About 50% of the 1984 audience who saw him for the first time thought he was basically cool as shit and didn't understand why he was the villain. The remake gonna make this guy Chinese and the unhinged distinctly American coolness that made Krease will dissolve into a flat Asian stereotype of Scary Movie proportions.
God, how great were Cobra Kais? They're rich, lacrosse-playing WASPs who just happen to be bad ass at Karate. They're pretty and scary! What a great dichotomy to embody. White Privilege and Ancient Power. Plus, they were more like Nü-Karate, which made them even whiter. They were all the cool parts of martial arts that, again, most of the audience wanted to identify with instead of the intelligent restraint that Miyagi taught. "I just wanna party on the beach, drive my Jeep to Golf N' Stuff and occasionally bust out some Ninja shit. Also, guess what me and my friends are gonna be for Halloween, Mom. SCARY FUCKING SKELETONS!" Could these guys be any more goddamn fun? Jesus.
What kind of Kung Fu student is Dre gonna fight? I guarantee you:
- Cobra Kai = Chinese Tigers or
- Cobra Kai = Chinese Dragons or
- Cobra Kai = Some Other Snake That Isn't As Cool Sounding As Cobra Kai
There's definitely not going to be any JV Cobra Kai goon to say this:
Look. Young Jaden is a child. The last thing we want is any light shed on a little kid in China breaking his back for no money, dig? It makes everyone look bad. This entire sequence of events is likely to be replaced with some light-hearted hip hop shit. Like Dre teaches Supercop how to dance and Supercop teaches Dre how to duck a punch. Wax-on Wax-off - which was always lame - will become some other non-catchy vaguely-racist slogan. Pop-n-lock in Pop-n-lock out.
No manual labor, OK? Look at Jaden!
They chose the name for the movie and then casted it very literally. Also, I hope Columbia secured the rights to the title otherwise the cartridge sitting in a box in my mom's basement is due some scrilla.