Art Direction, Motion Design & Illustration by Patrick Hosmer

Enviga Fails to Burn Calories and Succeeds in Burning Money Comma Itself

Added on by Patrick Hosmer.

If you've seen Casino or are a mobster west of the Mississippi, you know that the desert is where you disappear things. Desert is ideal because it's wide open, unpatrolled, and unlike forests and lakes, civilians tend to stay away from them. A desert cannot sustain much life. It is, itself, death. So it's fitting that dead things are put there to stay dead. Hundreds of mafia guys are out there. Video game maker Atari, catching wind of this, dumped its dead bodies there as well. Now Coca Cola, the Al Capone of soft beverages, is about to empty 3 million cans of unpurchased Enviga into that soft, sandy abyss. The shit just had to get gone, dig?

It was telling too many lies. 

Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley and 26 other AG's were basically like, "You burn calories, huh? Show us." And Coca-Cola (who partnered with Nestle for this) was like, "We won't even waste your time. You win. Our bad." Those snakes. 

Literally just selling some horse shit. The part that kills me is they were way too greedy about the lie to begin with, claiming you had to drink three of the damn things to actually burn any calories.

I just burned 60-100 calories laughing and crying over this. As a part of their settlement, Coke has to pay some chump change to the states and revise its product to basically tell the truth. As of right now, their website is still bullshitting. Hey, are you curious about the science stuff?

Clearly they didn't think any fat guy (the realistic buyer) would call their bluff, because here's their Clinical Study:

Clinical. So basically you're talking about green tea. You already mentioned it right there. Seriously, just call it green tea and I would've had like three of those things already. But you had to sell it hard with the space can and the ancient Chinese secret and the mountain biker shit* and now you're giving them a 21 gun salute with silencers out in the dunes. Somewhere the dudes over at Sparks HQ are pouring a little out for their homies saying, "at least now we're not alone." 

And Pepsi must be thanking their lucky stars that they delayed the launch of Tava, which is the exact same fucking thing as Enviga. They're totally rewriting the labels right now to say something like, We're vitamin-enhanced, but like, Real Talk, we don't do magic, OK? Also, mountain bikes.

My guess is that instead of tearing down Enviga's packaging and ads and fixing them, it'll be cheaper to kill the actual product, which never sold to begin with. And they'll be in good company. Lots of things get gone because reform costs too much.

* Everyone needs to stop it with the mountain bike thing. Michelob Ultra, I'm looking at you. Do you know who rides that shit? Three guys. Two of them live in Germany and the other one is Lance Armstrong. They drink calcium compounds made by real scientists and they eat stem cell yogurt. They're fucking weird. Stop selling to them. Sell to me. I like Doritos. I can do 20 push ups if a girl is watching.