The Poster for Ninja Assassin Kinda Breaks All The Ninja Rules

  • The Ninja must be silent.
  • The Ninja must be unseen.
  • The Ninja must obey proper dress code at Bungalow 8.

That last one's debatable, but breaking 2/3 of the Ninja Rules does not a good Ninja make! Here's what the poster for Ninja Assassin should look like. 

Look man, I know we're over the Ninja thing but I'm not the one that keeps making the damn movies. The nation wants more Ninjas, fuck it. Now for some history.

In 1981 the Japanese-American cultural exchange went something like this.

USA: "Automobiles, Punk Rock and Gold. What you got?"

Japan: "Nintendo, Ramen Noodles, Voltron, Karaoke, Sushi, Robots, Bullet Trains, Tea and Ninjas."

USA: "What was that last one?"

Japan: "Tea."

That little slip of the tongue ended up being responsible for Hollywood's 30-year love affair with the mysterious and totally misunderstood Ninja. Good one, Japanese Cultural Exchange Minister. Your secret assassins could've maintained glorious honor and intrigue forever but instead...

Ninjas are amazing, majestic creatures and because so little is known of their methods and origins, American movies have stretched the boundaries of possibility, applying their own grandiose flavor to the mythos. In movies a Ninja is no different than a Unicorn or an Angel. You know what it is, but you can't really say what it can or cannot do. A ninja can weigh 300 pounds or be gay or eat pizza in the sewer. Whatevs.

But what if we apply the Ninja Rules? Easy.

American Ninja 4 says this is what Dead Ninjas look like. First of all, shut up. There's no such thing as a Dead Ninja, only a Ninja That Never Existed (or more likely Dead You). Second, the only time you'll see Ninjas in these colors is when they have to kill someone at the Play-Doh factory, which as far as I know has only happened once (it was hilarious).

Yeah right, buddy! Like a Ninja is going to be courteous enough to walk up to you in your driveway on a sunny day, toss you an extra sword and say, "Good morning, Alex. Let's duel so one of us can die like a gentleman." Wrong.

It's more like this. You go outside and think, "Today's a great day to wash the Mustang. Wait, why am I in Heaven?" Dead.

Hold on. Don't you mean:

A Ninja will take a lot of things. They'll take human lives, they'll take aim (with a crossbow), they'll take secrets with them to the grave, and on rare occasion they'll take a shit in the woods. One thing a Ninja will not take (other than pity) is a hostage. What purpose would that serve? Ransom? Money? Have you ever seen a Ninja buy anything? Exactly. You've never seen a Ninja anything. 

If Bad Dudes followed Ninja Rules it would actually be called Dead Dudes and Level 1 is you getting stabbed in the heart. Level 2 is a Ninja staring into a flame for 6 hours like a badass. Game Over. 

Have you ever seen more inept Ninjas than the Foot Clan? In the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie The Foot are white adolescent boys who listen to Public Enemy, skateboard and gamble in an empty warehouse which is the problem right there. It sounds like they're awesome at having fun and terrible at being ridiculously efficient killers. They're supposedly master thieves and badass Ninjas but all they really seem to do is make a big noisy mess of what should be a routine quadruple mutant assassination. Go figs. If they were f'real though, check out the side-by-side.

Thwack. Ninja Axe, fool.

But sadly, no one cares about Real Ninjas, only kewl ninjas that don't take anything srsly. 

Foot Soldier #109: "Hey Jonathan, I stole $20 from my Dad's wallet this morning."

Foot Soldier #73: "Sup, Marcus. I found this awesome path behind my house that has the best bike jump."

Foot Soldier #109: "Nice. Do you think we'll ever murder those turtle things that Master Shredder hates?"

Foot Soldier #73: "Nope."

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, but what about Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe? That guy is a total Hardcore Ninja. Mysterious, silent, agile and very lethal. And I say to you this: Look closer.

See, you just need to look at him in the proper lighting. The dude can't even do shit with out crazy lower lumbar support. I had to wear those same quad-suspenders when I moved my Uncle's desk out of the garage and I am no Ninja. Also, Snake Eyes, what goes in those lil' pouches? Your Pocky snacks? Your Go-Gurt? Save it for before or after your missions, not during. And check out those Dancing With the Stars salsa pants. What the fuck, Snake Eyes.