Mister: Thanks for making the time to chat on the phone with me.
Mister: OK, question numero uno: Does your skin really shimmer in the sun?
EC: No, that's just for the movie.
Mister: How did they do that?
EC: They used a BeDazzler.
Mister: Did it hurt?
EC: The only pain I feel is knowing I can never truly reciprocate love. I can't age, so I can never be close to certain people I care about... and to people who care about me. I can only approximate what real love feels like. It's like whisper. A whisper of a dream.
Mister: Right. So your baseball skills are off the chain. How'd you get like that?
EC: I don't know. I'm a vampire.
Mister: Totally. It's too bad production couldn't afford a "bat boy" for your team, right?
EC: I guess.
Mister: How come you didn't turn into bat in the movie?
EC: We don't really do that. My family-
Mister: That's good because I'm sure Bella would've had second thoughts about you if she came to your pad in the woods and found it caked with guano!
EC: Yeah... that would be unfortunate.
Mister: Do you know what guano is?
Mister: Cool. So what's up with you and Bella anyway?
EC: We're friends.
Mister: Come on, Eddie. I know that's not true. Tell me something good.
EC: Ok then. The truth is this. I'm a vampire. I do not eat or sleep or make love in any traditional sense and by and large, nothing I do is what a human would call normal. I want to drink Bella's blood which, really, would be the human equivalent of having sex with her, eating a steak and then going to sleep for like a week. It would make me feel complete in a way I can't quite fathom, and I know you wouldn't understand. Also, she would be a vampire too and maybe then I could share with her some semblance of actual love. But that can never happen.
Mister: For sure. So set this up for me. Vampire fashion. What does it look like?
EC: Did you hear what I said?
Mister: Uh huh. But now you and Bella are at the Oscars or like, a Vampire Homecoming. What are you wearing?
EC: I don't know, man.
Mister: Yes you do.
EC: A suit.
Mister: What color?
EC: Black, I guess.
Mister: Hot. And the lady? Miss Vampire Girlfriend?
EC: She's not a vampire.
Miser: Let's pretend.
EC: I have to go now.
Mister: To play vampire baseball?
Mister: What color's the dress?
EC: Red, ok?
Mister: Like blood!
EC: Uh huh.
Mister: Why is it that you can run and jump so fast?
EC: Because I'm a vampire! That's how I move.
Mister: How do you get your hair to do that?
EC: Do what.
Mister: Be like all, you know. Awesome.
EC: I use a lot of conditioner and I blow-dry it upside down.
Mister: Is it vampire conditioner?
Mister: Do you use a vampire blow-dryer?
EC: What the fuck are you talking about.
Mister: Picture this. You're a high school student.
EC: I am!
Mister: Who's your ideal prom date? Would you join the baseball team?
EC: I'm going to murder you.
Mister: Ok, Buffy or Blade. Who's scarier?
EC: You're going to die.
Mister: Garlic, crucifixes or stakes? Got a preference?
EC: My family is outside your house right now.