Early Man Discovers Depression Shortly After Discovering Weed
Sunday, November 9, 2008 at 11:40PM 
Anyone who's ever gone camping knows that fire is prehistoric TV. You stare at it for hours until it gets boring and then you throw on another log, which is prehistoric changing the channel. And while you're doing your primitive chilling, you inevitably think about cavemen doing the same thing. Then you wonder: What did cavemen think about? I'll tell you. They thought about how shitty their lives were.
Walking with Cavemen basically said staring at fire is what made us smarter. Creativity was born in fire! And I can only speculate that once cavemen started building fires they started throwing all kinds of plants into it to see what burned the best. Sooner or later, Stoney the Caveman threw in some weeds that made his fire-staring sessions incredibly intense.
Then Stoney got sad. Because fire made him think more and thinking more made him more self-aware and being more self-aware made him realize that his entire life is hardship. And nothing is sadder than a sad caveman because he is the walking (sort of!) definition of limited resources. Cavemen are so fucked.
Here's some more things that just occurred to our early friend:
Reader Comments (5)
cheer up. we all know this "caveman" you speak of is just a symbolic representation of you.
I'm going to have to go ahead and respectfully disagree. Without the special "weeds" where would cavemen have gotten all that artistic creativity for those cave paintings?!
Also:
"Murder me."
"I'm horny, but I don't feel like clubbing that hairy woman and dragging her back to my cave."
"This bone could make a pretty sweet horn."
"I'm 20 years old. Time to die of extreme old age."
"Time to die from a cavity."
"Retirement plans: fall into block of ice."
So weed is the Forbidden Fruit that started enlightenment? You should write a new bible.
Hey Woods, you almost just died of a cavity, didn't you?
Also:
"Wooly Mammoth trunks make good shower heads."
"Why do I carry a big car on my shoulders to make it go with me, instead of just walking without the car?"
"Birds beaks will make good record needles, once records have been invented."
Also:
"I miss Mars"
"I'm pretty sure I'm covered in lice"
"Grandpa is 32, he's probably not going to get any better"